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Picks of the Week: 7th April 2000

Memo to agencies: Proposal for new drinks campaign
Good morning, colleagues. I think now is the time to update those Leonard Rossiter/Joan Collins Martini ads from the Seventies. But I think we need more of a 21st century focus. So here's a proposal:

INTERIOR: Business class on a 747. A man (possibly Vic Reeves) and a woman (I'm thinking maybe Anna Friel?) are talking. The man gestures to the stewardess.

MAN: 'Ere, luv, this bottle's finished. Bring us another.

STEWARDESS: Haven't you had enough, sir?

MAN: Wot, me? 'Course I haven't had enough. If I'd 'ad enough, I wouldn't be asking for any more, would I?

STEWARDESS: Well, sir, perhaps you might consider using our onboard Internet access to find out a little more about manners. I'm afraid I find your tone quite offensive.

(She leans over and switches on an Internet terminal, and leaves.)

MAN (to WOMAN): Stuck up cow, wasn't she? Still, this Internet lark's a laugh. What do you fancy looking up?

WOMAN: I think I'm a bit drunk.

MAN: Naah, you're fine. Look, 'ere's a site which will test if you're drunk or not. Give it a go.

(The WOMAN attempts to hit the keys on the terminal but fails.)

WOMAN: I think I'm a bit drunk.

MAN: Tell you what. I've got an idea. Ever heard of the Mile High Club?

WOMAN: I think I'm a bit drunk.

MAN: Well, look, 'ere's a website all about it. Fancy giving it a go?

WOMAN: I think I'm a bit drunk.

(The STEWARDESS returns with a bottle of champagne.)

STEWARDESS: Your drink, sir. I checked for the finest vintage on my own Internet access terminal. But I brought you this instead.

(She uncorks the bottle, and pours it over the man's head.)

STEWARDESS: There you go. Oh, and I brought this along too.

(A POLICEMAN appears, and handcuffs the MAN.)

MAN: Blimey, this has all gone a bit Joe Orton. I think I'll need a good lawyer.

(POLICEMAN leads MAN off. LEONARD ROSSITER appears and sits down next to the WOMAN.)

WOMAN: Didn't you die recently?

LEONARD ROSSITER: Yes.

WOMAN: I think I'm a bit drunk.

LEONARD ROSSITER: I think you're right.

(He leans back, and accidentally reclines the WOMAN'S seat. She drops champagne all over her chest.)

LEONARD ROSSITER: Having a lie down, dear? Good idea.

END

Sites Featured in Picks of the Week:

Martini - the history of the drink made immortal by Mr Rossiter.
Etiquette Hell - a special place for the "etiquette challenged".
Mirsky's Drunk Browsing Test - if you're a-drinking and a-surfing...
Mile High Club - guess what this one's about?
Champagne France - the King of Wines, on the Web.
The Perrin Page - a tribute to Leonard Rossiter's finest hour..

"I know a better site than that." Tell us!

Previous Weeks' Picks:

[ 31st March 00 | 24th March 00 | 17th March 00 | 10th March 00 ]